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I want to share with you the beginnings of my journey with CBD. I discovered CBD when I was at the end of my rope, and CBD gave me autonomy over my feelings again. It wasn’t what CBD added to my life. It was what went missing right after I started taking it. It was the absence. Before CBD, my negative emotions ruled me. After CBD, I was in control. I could decide what to do. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t ever going to get upset; it simply meant that I could decide how to handle those upset feelings. This was freeing for me.
Before I tried CBD, my heart and my head were not in a healthy state. I was, and still am, deeply committed to my marriage and my family; but I was worn out. Emotionally raw. Chronic pain or ongoing issues do that to you. They wear you down to a place where you feel numb and depressed. You start to believe things will never get better, or you begin to see this crazy-town life you’ve been living as normal. Either end of the spectrum is dangerous. If you’re like me, you only verbalize your pain and sadness in whispered, desperate prayers to God. This was once my very lonely, sad state.
The summer before I started taking CBD, I was in such a bad place. I joined my best friends for a trip to California, as the ocean has always been my happy place. With a fragile heart, I took walks on the beach, watched the waves, sought clarity in my thinking, and tried to get strong again. I pulled back from the crowd and begged God to intervene in my life and marriage. I’ve learned through the years that God is not scared or ashamed of our weaknesses or failures or hopelessness. Though He is the Light of the world, sometimes when you’re in such a deep, dark hole, it feels like that light just isn’t enough to penetrate it somehow. It is then that the gracious hand of God reaches in and literally pulls us out.
I returned home from that vacation nervous, yet resolved. I was ready to keep fighting for my marriage, keep pushing through, and keep focusing on hope. It was this God-given resolve that made the difference for me, but it was CBD that allowed me even to recognize it. The first night I was home from that California trip, I told my husband that I had done tons of research and I wanted us to try CBD oil. There were lots of studies that showed that CBD was helping veterans with PTSD, and if he wasn’t willing to go on medications or go to therapy, this was the bare minimum that we needed to do to keep moving forward. To my surprise, he agreed.
I ordered our oil. While we waited for it to arrive, I saw the same unhealthy patterns begin to spring up between us. I knew that our marriage issues were not just my husband’s problems. I was part of this equation. If I didn’t figure out a better way to communicate and interact with him, I knew it was never going to get better.
When our bottle of CBD oil arrived on a Tuesday night, we both put 5 drops under our tongue and waited. I’m not sure what we were waiting for, but absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. We didn’t feel affected or different or better. Even so, we kept taking the drops morning and night.
On Thursday night, I had an epiphany: I had not cried in two days. This was huge. I had cried at some point every single day for the past two months. I wasn’t sobbing or hysterical, but at least once a day I would find myself wiping away tears. My emotions were so raw and right under the surface. It felt like I just couldn’t get it together. Now, it had been two days since I cried.
Whereas, before CBD I would have gotten sad, frustrated, or mad at the things my husband had said or the tone he used when he said it, now I was seeing the situations slightly differently. I had distance. It was like I could finally take a step back, look at the situations objectively, and decide how I wanted to react (or not react).
CBD gave me autonomy from my feelings. I could look at my husband and think, He probably didn’t mean that, or He’s upset, but you don’t have to take that personally. I could even think, That’s not really a big deal. Let it go. Once I was able to interact in a healthier way, it helped him to respond to me better as well. The health of one spouse will always positively affect the marriage, even if the other spouse hasn’t done anything differently. Because of CBD, my husband was calmer, less rash, less angry, and less irritable. CBD gave us the courage and strength to keep walking down this path together for our family.
I was talking to a friend of my recently about how she would describe CBD ini her life, and she said it is simply the “absence of.” I like that. For me, it’s the absence of constant sadness and disappointment. It’s the absence of taking everything personally. It’s the absence of anger and resentment. It’s the absence of negative feelings breaking through the surface every single day.
Even though we didn’t feel anything that first night we started taking CBD, it began to work. We had to be consistent, patient, and trust that something was happening. And it was.
Kim Nelles is a wife, mom of two beautiful girls, and an English teacher who lives in Texas and found CBD oils helpful in her family’s lives. If you would like to connect with Kim and learn more about CBD oil, you can reach her at [email protected].
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